Celebrating me because in spite of growing up with an eating disorder, I am my own body goals 👯👯👯
Growing up, I was always the fat one in the family. I would get teased for it and I always felt self conscious when people would point out how much bigger than my older sister I was. Some people (mostly family members) would blatantly exclaim, "Esse jy's vet" when they saw me. I don't know if it was done with harmful intent but it sure as hell hurt me and all those messages did their damage. Eventually I developed bulimia nervosa which is an eating disorder that involves binge eating and then purging by forcing yourself to vomit. I was bulimic for two whole years and not a single soul noticed. After all, it is very hard to detect because I was eating normally and maintained a certain weight. Unhappiness was at the forefront of this period in my life because half the time I was plagued with feelings of guilt for eating so much and the other half, I was crying and hurting because I felt like I had to punish myself for eating so much. It was terrible but a male friend that I had at the time got me through it and talked me out of it eventually. Even though I stopped binging and purging, I still felt a huge disconnect from my body. I didn't like the way it looked or the way I felt in it. I went on to feeling like this for years and years after that. The thing about having developed an eating disorder at the age of 11 is that it makes you really good at hiding just about anything as you grow older. I can still hide and keep secrets like fortknox to this day. I went on feeling like shit about my body until I found yoga and pescetarianism.
All new age, hippie, spiritualism aside: yoga and pescetarianism made me feel good from the inside out. Yoga was like a mirror that forced me to really look at and start caring for my body deeply. My pescatarian diet had me feeling light and healthy and the result of the combination of those things had my body looking stronger and more toned. It brought me to a point where I actually fell in love with my body and each day I fall even deeper.
I love how my muscles are popping, how lean and lengthy my arms and legs are and most especially how fit and strong I feel. I walk taller with a beautifully opened posture because now I carry my body with pride and most importantly I've come to love the being inside my body more than what's on the outside. My sense of humor, my fragility, my empathic nature, my ability to find humor in everything, the way I express love and affection and my drive. I'm basically at a point where I love myself from the inside, out and from the outside, in and as I continue to work on my body by developing more healthy habits I see how beautifully it grows and how well it serves me to invest more love, time & effort into taking care of me both physically and emotionally.